


I will always be right by your side (minute par minute)

by EliottDemmaury



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Depressive Episode, Lucas comforts eliott, M/M, Mental Illness, Sad Eliott, but it's comforting, elu - Freeform, i don't know what to say, i was pretty sad when I wrote it, mention of depression, soft elu, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:55:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21851806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EliottDemmaury/pseuds/EliottDemmaury
Summary: Eliott is not feeling well, and Lucas knows it.Number 48. 'I called you at 2 am because I need you' from the fluff/angst prompt list.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 2
Kudos: 129





	I will always be right by your side (minute par minute)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mention of mental illness

It was surprisingly cold for a night in late August, and under other circumstances, Lucas'd probably regretted leaving Yann's apartment without his jacket, but this was different. 

\- 

"Hey, how is the party? I hope you're having fun." Eliott's soft voice had been a pleasant contrast to the loud voices of his drunk friends when he'd called him. 

"It's...okay, I still think I would like it more if you were here. I miss you." 

"You left 4 hours ago and you already miss me?" Eliott had replied, his voice delicate and fragile like glass. 

"Of course I do but to my defence, you called me first, not the other way around." Lucas had laughed, hiding in the bathroom - the music just a dull sound in the distance. 

"I know..." 

It had taken Eliott a while until he'd continued, "I just needed you- I wanted to hear your voice. Just to know that you're okay." 

"Okay...are you sure?"

"Yes, sure. I'll see you in the morning?" 

"Yes sure but-" 

"Okay, I love you." 

Lucas had wanted to dig deeper into why Eliott had called him in the first place but Eliott had already hung up before Lucas even had the opportunity to do so. 

_Something had seemed odd, very odd._

Something about Eliott's voice had been different when he called that night.   
Lucas knew that he had tried to hide it, to hide the fatigue and pain so Lucas wouldn't notice, but to no avail. 

So Lucas had left the party, to get on the next bus.

-

This wasn't something he did often. Leaving his friends or cancelling plans because Eliott wasn't feeling well. It had actually been Eliott who had been strictly against it.

Back then, Lucas had tried to argue, _"I don't mind staying home. I want to be there or you."_

_"I don't want you to neglect your friends every time I am not feeling well. I won't let you do this. This isn't something I want, Lucas. It's not your job to hold my hand until I'm feeling better."_

It had taken Lucas some time to realize that being there for Eliott didn't necessarily mean that he had to stop living his own life. Because, sometimes, support meant giving the other person space. Support meant to continue living your own life.

-

Lucas was quite good in sensing when Eliott started to drift into in episode by now. He was able to see the difference in his behaviour that often forecasted the darker days they had to face from time to time. 

He saw it in Eliott's face, in the way his eyes slowly began to lose all the mirth and life they usually contained, just to be replaced by a veil of something heavy and downhearted. 

He saw it in the way Eliott became quieter as the days went by. How he seemed to get lost in his thoughts a lot more than usual, how he stopped painting or talking about the last books and poems - especially the ones that reminded him of Lucas - he'd read. 

And he saw it in the way Eliott started to avoid him, how he spent most of his days outside on their little balcony. How he would just sit there, wrapped into his favourite blanket that _'always smells like you, Lucas. I love it'_ until it would get too late and Lucas would go to bed.

Lucas had found it very weird at the beginning but, over time, he'd realized that Eliott had started doing it, to avoid him. Just so he wouldn't see him like this, so he wouldn't have to hear him sob into his pillow without any other reason than simply because he was too overwhelmed, overwhelmed by everything and nothing. 

But mostly overwhelmed by life. 

But Lucas did hear him cry and he saw him sitting in the dark. He did see him slowly fall apart; not speaking, not eating or laughing for several days, and even though he knew it wasn't Eliott's intention to make him feel this way, he still felt helpless sometimes. Helpless in the face of an antagonist in Eliott's life that Lucas simply couldn't fight. 

The first few times he'd witnessed Eliott having a depressive episode were a painful experience. Watching Eliott's otherwise so joyful nature shift into something darker, something covered in sorrow and a deep-rooted pain and melancholy...it was something that Lucas was still trying to understand.

And yes, he had to admit that, after all this time of them being together, it was still painful, and Lucas knew that all the time in the world wouldn't change the fact that it would always hurt to see Eliott like this. In times like these - when the world around Eliott seemed to shrink down to a dark and narrow tunnel of sadness and doubt - Lucas had trouble not being frustrated. Frustrated because, sometimes, he just wanted to tell Eliott that he should stop acting like this, not because of Eliott himself but because Lucas, of all people, knew that Eliott'd never chosen to feel or act like this. 

_It just not fair. He doesn't deserve it. I want to help you, how can I do that? You are my sun, you don't deserve to feel that way.  
_

These were just a few of the thoughts that started haunting Lucas since he and Eliott started dating because even though their relationship was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he still wished he could stop the pain, the sorrow, the doubt and the sadness from nesting into Eliott's brain like a parasite. 

And god, there was nothing he wouldn't do to take this weight off of him. He wanted to stop it, to take the pain away. He really did, but he also knew that it wasn't possible. The only thing he _could_ do was to ease the pain, to see the symptoms before they would turn into a full episode, and to be there for Eliott when he needed it. To be there in a way that doesn't feel like he was suffocating him, in a way that would help to heal the wound and not rip it open any further.

It was the little things, the late-night calls, the _'I need you's'_ , and the way Eliott's voice changed that made Lucas aware of the fact that Eliott wanted to reach out to him but was too scared to do so because he didn't want Lucas to worry, he didn't want to be a burden - just like tonight.

_How could he ever be?_

\- 

A brisk breeze was blowing through one of the open windows in their room - Lucas had always wondered how Eliott could sleep with the curtains pulled back and the windows open, no matter how cold it was - the silence that filled the room seemed unbearable and heavy when he closed the bedroom door behind him. 

Eliott was sitting on their bed, his back pressed against the headboard, his knees curled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. 

The faint glow of the moon that went away, whenever one of the big clouds over the Parisian sky would hide his white beauty, shrouded Eliott in a light that made him look even paler than he already was. 

Lucas took a step forward, the crunching of the old wooden floor seemed horribly loud compared to the overall silence that flooded the room - Eliott did not move. 

He looked tired, his hair looked messier than usual, his eyes lifeless and dark. He was wearing one of Lucas hoodies -it was just a bit too small for him. 

His cheeks had an uncommon shine to them, and it was only when Lucas reached the bed that he saw that Eliott must have cried before he arrived. 

Lucas sat down next to Eliott, and without saying a word, he took one of the big blankets on the bed and wrapped it around Eliott and himself. 

They sat there for a while, just like this. Without saying a word, staring into the night sky and watching the moon dis- and reappear behind the big black clouds. 

Slowly but surely, Lucas could feel Eliott's heartbeat changing from a rapid speed to a calmer one. He could feel how Eliott started to relax and give into Lucas presence. Automatically but hesitantly, he laid his head on Lucas' shoulder. 

A few more minutes of silence went by until Eliott's thin and cracked voice broke the silence, causing Lucas to wince slightly by the unexpected noise, "Lucas?" 

"Mh?" he murmured into the creek of Eliott's neck, holding him just a little tighter than before.

"When I called you, earlier at the party..." Eliott whispered, his voice fragile like a vase that could burst just by looking at it. 

"I- I didn't just call you to check up on you...well it was part of the reason why but not- you know- I wanted to say something different but I was scared. " 

"I know," Lucas said softly, trying to put as much comfort into his voice as possible. He wanted Eliott to know that everything would be okay, that no matter how much pain or shame he felt, Lucas would never judge him for anything. 

"It's okay. I am here now, and I am not going anywhere." 

"But it's not fair...you don't deserve this. I- I tried not to call you, you know? It's- it's just not fair, you shouldn't put up with all this, with me. I need you more than you need me. I don't want that. I don't want you to come home early from a party, I don't want you to give up your whole life. I don't-" 

"Hey hey," Lucas began to stop Eliott from talking, cupping his face in his hand, "It's okay. Things like this happen, that doesn't change a thing about how I feel about you, okay? I mean yes, there will be other days just like this, there have been other days just like this, but there will also be good days, very good days even. I am not doing this because I feel like I have to. I am doing it because I love you. I am doing it because you are the most important thing in my life and I'd rather cancel all parties in the world than to leave you alone with this. I know that I don't understand everything, but believe me, you are no burden or problem or anything. I will always be here, right by your side, no matter what struggles you are facing, whenever you're facing them. And we will face them together." 

Eliott nodded weakly, pressing himself even closer to Lucas than before, it was his way of saying 'I love you', just until he would be strong enough to say it again without this tiny fear of not hearing it back. 

And even though Lucas wanted to say so much more right now, he knew that this moment was enough. 

That they would survive these dark days that were before them, just like they did so many times before. 

Because Lucas would be here, right beside Eliott, guiding him through the dark, back into the light - day by day, minute by minute. 


End file.
